Who is Pulling My Buggy?!?

                              

 

         Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong century because I love the idea of getting around by horse and buggy.  I enjoy such movies as Pride and Prejudice, Gone with the Wind, Little Women, The Anne of Green Gables series, and Little House on the Prairie.  With this in mind try to picture with me a horse and buggy.  The buggy is my life and the horse pulling it is of my choosing.   It is good when I am pulling my own buggy because I am likely to be doing what I want and getting where I need to be.  Sometimes I can pull the buggy but I don't always know the way to go and even if I do I get tired doing it on my own. It is best when the lead horse is Jesus and I keep my eyes on Him and can trust He is leading me in the right direction. In truth my buggy is often being pulled by a horse that is other people.  How often I allow others to pull my buggy where they think I should be going or more correctly where I think they think I should be going.  

An example of this is when I hitch my buggy to my mother in a given situation. If I look I will see she is  hitched  backwards and does not even see where I need to go and where she thinks I should be is nowhere near where we are and I end up in the wrong place every time because it is what she wants or thinks is right. It is no wonder that when fear and doubt are pulling my buggy I am squeezing my eyes closed in denial in hope that the approaching cliff will disappear.  If I stop long enough to ask myself "What do I want?" I will see what I need and where I need to go and can take my buggy to that place better than going wherever or being whatever I think others want me to be, or doing what I think others want me to do. When I am looking to others to lead my life and make me happy I will never get where I really want to go or need to be for me. Having others along for the ride in my buggy is wonderful and can be enjoyable but the moment I try to put them in the yoke with me it is likely to be only conflict and misery for me.  It is best when Jesus is the lead horse of my buggy with me following in His footsteps, but it is a matter of trust and faith that sometimes I only have enough of for the gentle hand of God to walk along holding the bridle.

      When I get that unsettling feeling I am doing something for the wrong reason or for the wrong person I have to stop (sometimes literally stop pacing) and ask "Who is pulling my buggy?" The pull of the buggy is the "why" motive for what I am doing.   It is the one I am trusting at the moment. Sometimes I am trusting myself and reasoning and/or my fleeting emotions, other times I can be putting my trust in the wrong person and by trusting their opinion more than my own, or God's.  We really only have one life to live and wouldn't it be great to live it to the fullest with joy and adventure.  The great thing about pulling my own buggy is that if I end up making a wrong turn I can turn around and try again and it can mark it up to a learning experience and not blame others since we can’t control others anyway.  The road is going to have pot holes full of trials and the wheels are going to get broken but that doesn't make it impossible to keep going.... it’s sometimes painful and very difficult but worth it to set us free to be ourselves.  No one but you should be pulling your buggy or in other words that are more modern, “You are the only one that can live your life” to the fullest satisfaction.

   



     

  

Now I Remember

Now that I remember
I don't know what to do
I just want to deny your wrath
and forget it's true

How could you been so cruel
lashing out at me when it suited you
I just want to hide
and forget about you

I am no longer your protector
and secret keeper--sharing in shame
What you did is on you
and I am not to blame

You forgot me
You let me
and it always about you
no matter what I do

Someday I will let go
and forgive you
That day is for ME
to live true.

Picking Up the Pieces of Me

             I have always enjoyed doing jigsaw puzzles, and I was happy when I saw that interest in my son.  Even though he struggles with his fine motor skills, he still seems to like doing them, and it is something he wanted to do with me that day.  

It is a hazy memory now, but the meaning of the moment I still treasure. 

            One day I was so pressed down with the depression all I wanted to do was sleep and I had gone back to bed after I had put my daughter down for her nap.  My four year-old (at the time) son wanted to play with me so badly he brought a puzzle to me and said, "Tiger puzzle, please, with such a sweet face that drew me through the fatigue and sorrow to do the puzzle with him.  I didn't want to do anything at all, but as I did that puzzle (too many times to count) I started to see that I was like that puzzle.  I could be put back together again.  Each piece of me whether a memory of abuse in childhood, thoughts weighted down with low-self esteem, my fears and all my emotions are apart of me along with my compassion, sense of humor, and naive makes me unique and wonderfully made.  I don't need to start from scratch because God has placed within me what He wants and knows how to pick up the pieces of me and help put  me back together just like that tiger puzzle.  That day my son gave me something...the tenacity to get better and dare to look at myself from a different perspective.  For me it was his way to do something with me to stir the interest in living again.  I was in an emotional place that I really didn't want to live but I didn't want to give up either.

Today I can get out of bed and take care of my family and enjoy my life and being a mom.  Even if I have to try harder some days than other days, knowing that I have survived some of my darker days and come out stronger for it I know that I can press on and rest in the love of Jesus.

Beauty in the dying leaves

I feel I am…

Changing as the leaves

Beautiful trees of green

Growing and being useful

Then change comes in hardship

A time of challenge

Or time of sorrow

Feeling death of parts of me

Only to see the color of each leaf

With the change comes beauty

Genuine beauty

Changes in my life requires me to let go

Let go of the dying parts

Let go of what isn’t useful anymore

Let go of what I thought would be

Accepting the change

Seeing the beauty of it

Waiting for what is to come

As I let go of the dying so

the  new in me

Can start to grow.

I Bought the Flowers

One of the first things you read or you are told as a new mom is to remember to take care of yourself.  “Yeah, yeah I know.  I am,” I would say.  But as I strived to do better as a mom my self-care was losing priority.   So it shouldn’t have been a surprise that one of the first things I heard in treatment was that I needed to take time out for myself.  I remember thinking, “If I had time for myself, I would already be doing it” because an hour away a day seemed impossible.  In truth, it was very hard to do, and I didn’t manage it often; as time went on, I tried to find ways to take care of myself throughout the day.  

When my anxiety is off the charts I often forget to eat when I am so focused on meeting others needs.   I remember one day as I was trying to decide what to do with some left over blueberries, I thought, “Eat the blueberries!”  I laugh now, but at that moment I was really mad at myself for even having a dilemma of what to do with those silly berries.  Now I have an alarm on my phone to remind me to do something fun just for me.   

I hadn’t gotten myself anything new in a long while, and I really didn’t mind because there were necessities to get for the family.    One thing I longed to do was  buy some fresh flowers for myself.   When I would look at them at the store I often thought , “They are so beautiful, but I can’t get them for just me.”  

Until...one day, I did.  I think it was earlier this summer that I bought the flowers.  I picked out the prettiest ones and without guilt went through the checkout.  That day $6.50 was best spent on some flowers for me than anything else I could have gotten in that store.

There are lots of ways now that I try to take care of myself better (in no particular order):
1) take a longer shower even before the kids are asleep for the night
2) eat a favorite thing without guilt
3) read or listen to favorite music
4) walk a little slower in a store and look around
5) take time again to fix my hair
6) waste some time playing a game
7) read my Bible and other encouraging materials
8) take the nap I need without guilt
9) have fun with my husband
10) have fun with my kids
11) write and draw again
12) spend some time outside
13) go to bed earlier  (yuk! but needed)
14) chat with a friend via text, im, phone call, or yea!!!! in person
15) knit and crochet

I try to again to take time for anything that I enjoy and that reminds me that I am valuable.  If all else fails, it’s called “MOMMY NEEDS A TIME OUT!”  I head to the bathroom, close my eyes, and breathe.  Because in a few seconds I will hear my son say, “Are you sorry?  Come to the couch and play trains.”

When I started this journey over a year ago I didn’t know how to take care of myself any more.  If you are at step one, may I suggest:  1) Wash your face and get dressed  2) Do something you have fun doing.  There is always work that needs to be done, but sometimes we need to put ourselves at the top of the list so that we can get on with caring for our family.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  Your family wants time with you more than anything else.

Lavish Love

The Love of the Lord is a lavish rain
That caresses my stilled soul.
Calling to me to rest in His Embrace
as strength renews.
There I seize His Mercy
which I can’t attain on my own
It’s as a whisper blanketing every worry, care, and doubt
and finds me where I struggle to hide
Then I hear my Abba Father calling me--
“Come to me my daughter,
you are adorned in beauty and are being restored out of the ashes
As you stand in the lavish Love I have for you.”

Mirror, mirror

During one of my therapy sessions with Dr. C, she described me this way: “I see you like a broken mirror with all the pieces over here on the floor. Instead of putting the pieces back together and being a worthwhile and useful cracked mirror, you have completely turned away from yourself and are over here trying to make a whole new mirror of you for others to see.”
This analogy was just what I needed to bring understanding of how I was rejecting myself in preference to being what I thought others wanted me to be. Throughout this journey of healing I have realized that the mirror of me that I was trying so hard to make wasn’t me at all, and as I dared to look at the real broken pieces of me I felt shame because to me I had failed to overcome all that I saw as not good enough. It has taken awhile for me to see that though I was broken I could be mended, and I had to face many painful memories to make that happen in order for me to know I am worth something just as I am; I am enough for this moment to do what I need to do, and I am valuable. As I began to understand that failure wasn’t the obliteration of me—it was my humanness, and--just as it is allowed in my friends, family, and strangers--it should be allowed in me without fear of punishment. Perfection is the mirage I would never reach. I could never be what I thought everyone wanted me to be in all situations. Yet I was compelled to try at all cost…that cost was losing the real me while hiding from everyone else. I knew what God said about me was true in my head most of the time, but I needed to know it in my heart and embrace myself (good and bad) and accept myself. As it was, I felt my good wasn’t good enough and the bad had to be fixed.
With this new understanding of how I had been treating myself, I started testing my motives for what I did with questions such as “Am I trying to make a new mirror of me?” It helped me to see I had not been living for the right person, me. By living to please others to that degree was a sin against myself. I was on the Deprivation highway into Martyr-ville, and I was convinced this was what was expected of me since I had done it all my life to avoid punishment or disapproval in the fire of my parents’ anger. I was beginning to see that to put others first at all cost was a lie I had believed all my life. Now I know my value isn’t in how others treated me, but rather it is in what God made me: a unique person unlike anyone else with something genuine to give.
As a Christian, it is important to me to be careful about what I allow to mold me,and I often measure what I read about caring for your inner child,co-dependence, recovery from depression, what I learn in therapy, etc... to the Bible to determine if an idea or method is based in truth. All truth is God’s truth wherever it may be found, so I do think it is possible for psychology and Christianity to mix. My blog, my opinion…wow, I have come a long way. I digress… I was living to please everyone but the most important ones: God and myself. God was high on the list of those I was trying to please, but so were a lot of other people, and I was on the bottom, thinking: “I will be happy when others are happy.” Living with this mindset of denying myself was imprinted on me as a young child and kept me safe then but now it was slowly killing me. As I picked up the pieces of myself I see the beauty that I do possess, I see the strength that that remains, and I see the insights I have gained by facing the memories of my childhood and working through them. It is like a healing salve that helps me care for myself now, listen and honor the my inner child and I realize that I am stronger facing the memories that I am when I repress them and act as if it isn’t important. Now I strive to see the real me in full and to show that person to others rather than the person I think they want me to be. Now if I disagree with someone, it is okay. If people are angry with me, I strive to let them feel their own emotions as each person is entitled to without negative consequences. Now I work at feeling what I need to feel and accepting that it’s okay for me to be afraid, angry, sad, happy, ashamed, and brave. As I look at the kaleidoscope of me I see beauty in the ashes, healing in the pain, and joy coming out of the sorrow.