Courage at the gate of remembering childhood trauma

     I have a friend that gave me a bracelet made of a stone called tiger’s eye which means courage.

When she gave it to me she was moving out of the state and I didn’t know when I would see her again.   She knew we were both starting new adventures in our lives with my son being almost 4 months and her starting over in a new place.  In the months that followed I discovered that motherhood was harder than I thought it would be and how my childhood memories contained gigantic gaps as to what to do and how desperate I was not to mess up.   In the last five years I have been called upon to face many unknowns:  my son’s autism and illogical behaviors, adjustments in marriage when the kids arrived, the confusion of my own mother with her own “issues”, the disorientations of anxiety and depression within myself, and the isolation of facing my own childhood trauma.  Now, as memories are coming to me of violence which a child should never be a witness to, I find within myself the courage to face the pain of the past.  I faced it as a young child the best way I knew, which was by becoming as compliant as possible and denying my own pain to survive.  Now I face it with the strength, understanding, and determination of a mother who wants to be nurturing and not neglectful.  In my experience there is only one way of healing childhood trauma, it is to go through it again without denial, to let yourself feel it when you are ready to, and release it and love yourself now, unlike you how you were loved then. As much as I blamed myself, I now realize that I was wrong to do so, because the child should never be to blame for such adult situations, which are beyond their control.  As adults we have coping mechanisms that are made possible because we are adults, but as children we are in the care of a parent, and if that parent isn’t able to take care of themselves, and the child there is going to be suffering a trauma that can freeze that child in that moment of helplessness.

With courage I share this memory of being less than five years old and found the courage to protect my mother. 

I remember being in our living room with my mother and step-father. He is yelling at both of us and I am crying as I cling to my mother’s arm.  He is telling me to let her go and tell her to make me go away.  Normally she is yelling back but she seems frozen and saying nothing.

Hot tears in my eyes

He is yelling and I don’t know why

He is telling me to let her go

I cling to my mom knowing he will hit her if I do

Mom is frozen and mute

Why can’t she make him go away?

I am so afraid and can only hang on.

I want my mom.

Why can’t she pick me up?

Why won’t he go away?

That day I was our only protection.

I don’t remember what happened next or how long this lasted but he did leave the house with a slam of the door.  I refused to let her go.  I protected her because that was protecting me.  I don’t remember any love from her for my fight to protect her. Only her finally saying, “I wish you wouldn’t be such a baby.”

          This is where I tell that little girl in me that she is safe now, she is loved, and she is very brave, and I will never let them hurt her anymore.  Even if the events of our life fill us with self-doubt we can depend on ourself and trust that gut feeling even if the memories aren't complete and know that God will never leave us not forsake us. I wasn't raised in a christian home but those seeds of truth was planted  when I was sent to vacation Bible school  and random church visits and I clung to the song "Jesus Loves Me" and "He has the whole world in His Hands" as a child when I just couldn't handle the reality that I wasn't cherish like every little girl wants to be.