Ramblings

When I write I usually have some insight I want to share but I don't think there is much with this one. My family and I are going on day six of being home together with a foot of snow outside. I am not saying anything anyone with a family knows....too much time together without an outlet for the little ones energy results in choo-choo-ness. Making the best of it and praying we don't run out of milk and cheese crackers. :)

When the leaves fall

When the leaves fall... I will be honest I am not a fan of all the bare trees of winter time. But as I study them I realize there is a lose of pretense. Each bend and turn of the branches shows how it grown. We do a lot to hide ourselves (even from ourselves). To grow in a new direction it takes some interspection and willingness to really see without pretense. The naked trees of winter remind me that beneath the gorgeous leaves is authentic beauty that make each one different and beautiful. Just like each of us.

Dawning perspective

Dawning Perspective I rise before dawn and tiptoe to the kitchen to make myself a steaming mocha coffee. Careful to not make a sound I slip outside to the screened-in-porch to be by myself before the husband and kids awake. I sip my sweet java as the sun rises, the birds sing, the squirrels play, and the smell of the dew rises. What a glorious sight to me is the sun rays upon the leaves and the shadows it cast among the trees. I think this is the most beautiful dawn but with a few blinks of my eyes it slightly brings more beauty. Change in our hearts can be this beautiful in the light of our Savior. If we would just be still and take a moment to see.

Wanting to feel

Wanting to feel better
For the panic to let go
Hoping for a day
The pain won't show.

Facing the evil and my innocence stolen

In the place I always hide
Numbness takes over
No drugs needed
 too much pain  & float away.

Only for a time can I be there because now I am needed here

Even if only a face in the crowd.
I have to focus to come back
What do I see, smell, taste?
Can I hear my breath or 
Feel anything?

Dissociating served me well as a child
But as an adult it’s not the best coping style
I miss too much, feel too little
It is a fight to stay and not drift away.

 

Loved ones hurt when I am away
They just love me and want me near everyday

I can stand up to you Fear and break free because greater is He in me than in you.

 

Lessons I have learned in my garden

               I am putting in a vegetable garden for the first time in my life.  It seems odd that I have waited this long to do a garden of my own because I remember helping my mom plant green beans in the garden as a small child.  It is one of my fondest memories of being with her.  I must have paid more attention than I realize or I have some natural talent for it because planting has not been as hard as I thought it was going to be.  This garden plot has history because it has been tended and has grown vegetables before.  It had grown over and was just lawn for many years but with the help of a friend the ground was tilled and I began the process of getting the weeds and rocks out.  This is where another line of thinking began to flow and I thought about how this garden is so similar to my own life.

            As I began working the soil with my hoe to remove the clumps of weeds and grass and many rocks I thought about how this soil is like my soul, which is my mind, my heart, and my conscience and emotions.  These weeds are like negative thoughts that were planted in my soul and have taken root from harsh actions or lack of care for me as I was growing up.  The rocks represent the obstacles that are in my life.  The soil in this part of Missouri is a sandy, rocky soil, being the eastern slope of the Ozark Plateau.  Regardless of how deep you go in this soil there are more and more rocks.  How true to life that regardless of how and to whom you are born into this world there are obstacles that you will be a part of your life.

            To care for my life-soil as I care for this garden soil and to prepare it for planting so that it will be fruitful, l I must remove the weeds and rocks.  Leaving others to tend to your soul isn’t effective and even more damaging because they are not going to see clearly, nor how deeply some weeds (negative thoughts about yourself) have grown into the soil.  Only I can dig up the weeds so that the planted gifts in my soul can get nourishment and begin to grow. Even I can’t see clearly with my ambitions and emotions so strong when evaluating the damage to my soul. What we can’t remove ourselves takes a master gardener. God is the master gardener of the soil of my heart.  His Spirit can gently and precisely remove the weeds of negative thoughts from my soul so that healing can begin. (1)  The blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, from His crucifixion upon the cross, is able to completely heal those wounds to my soul from neglect and abuse that only God can see clearly. (2) Leaving others to take care of our hearts or ignoring them ourselves will result with weeds of negative thoughts to grow wild in the soil of our hearts choking out any good plant that would even try to grow.

            Words do not need to be spoken to be written upon a child’s heart: that you are not important, that you will never be enough, that you are not loved or wanted.  Everyone has soul damage from those they have come contact with in this world either intentionally or unintentionally. For some of us it is deeper than others and more traumatic.  Some us have to work harder to remove the weeds that go deeper and we all need the work of the Trinity to do what we can't  do in our own might and what other powers claim to be able to do. 

I was running out of daylight and wanted to get the dead weeds cleared before it rained. I didn’t have time to see how deep some went or knock of the rich soil that clung to the weeds.    I had to do a quick sweep away like we need to do sometimes when negativity is being poured onto us by someone we have allowed to get deep into our lives. Sometimes you can’t evaluate it and fix it immediately, but it is time to put up a boundary and quickly put an end to the toxic words that are damaging your soul. This is about protecting, nurturing, and growing a healthy soul with God given gifts in it that will only flourish if tended to.  It brings no glory to God to allow others to mistreat you. It doesn't have to be done in a harsh or accusing way. Others aren't responsible for how you feel. You are responsible for how you allow others to affect you. Take gentle care of your soul and trust the Master Gardener and establish healthy boundaries to get out the weeds of negativity.

This piece is dedicated to the damaged souls of neglect and abuse who have never been heard. 

1) Hebrews 4:12 King James Version (KJV)

¹² For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

2) 1 Samuel 16:7 New International Version (NIV)

⁷ But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Worth the Wait

My son is a promised baby from God.  I waited and believed that we would have a son for nearly ten years. I thought the sorrow of that time of waiting was unbearable.  It was only preparing me.

I waited to be a mom
I waited to hold my son
I waited for his first word
I waited to understand his words
I waited for his first phrases
I waited for his first sentence
I waited for our first conversation
I still wait for some of these and struggle to understand him.
What my mind struggles to understand my heart knows.
It is worth the wait.

Courage at the gate of remembering childhood trauma

     I have a friend that gave me a bracelet made of a stone called tiger’s eye which means courage.

When she gave it to me she was moving out of the state and I didn’t know when I would see her again.   She knew we were both starting new adventures in our lives with my son being almost 4 months and her starting over in a new place.  In the months that followed I discovered that motherhood was harder than I thought it would be and how my childhood memories contained gigantic gaps as to what to do and how desperate I was not to mess up.   In the last five years I have been called upon to face many unknowns:  my son’s autism and illogical behaviors, adjustments in marriage when the kids arrived, the confusion of my own mother with her own “issues”, the disorientations of anxiety and depression within myself, and the isolation of facing my own childhood trauma.  Now, as memories are coming to me of violence which a child should never be a witness to, I find within myself the courage to face the pain of the past.  I faced it as a young child the best way I knew, which was by becoming as compliant as possible and denying my own pain to survive.  Now I face it with the strength, understanding, and determination of a mother who wants to be nurturing and not neglectful.  In my experience there is only one way of healing childhood trauma, it is to go through it again without denial, to let yourself feel it when you are ready to, and release it and love yourself now, unlike you how you were loved then. As much as I blamed myself, I now realize that I was wrong to do so, because the child should never be to blame for such adult situations, which are beyond their control.  As adults we have coping mechanisms that are made possible because we are adults, but as children we are in the care of a parent, and if that parent isn’t able to take care of themselves, and the child there is going to be suffering a trauma that can freeze that child in that moment of helplessness.

With courage I share this memory of being less than five years old and found the courage to protect my mother. 

I remember being in our living room with my mother and step-father. He is yelling at both of us and I am crying as I cling to my mother’s arm.  He is telling me to let her go and tell her to make me go away.  Normally she is yelling back but she seems frozen and saying nothing.

Hot tears in my eyes

He is yelling and I don’t know why

He is telling me to let her go

I cling to my mom knowing he will hit her if I do

Mom is frozen and mute

Why can’t she make him go away?

I am so afraid and can only hang on.

I want my mom.

Why can’t she pick me up?

Why won’t he go away?

That day I was our only protection.

I don’t remember what happened next or how long this lasted but he did leave the house with a slam of the door.  I refused to let her go.  I protected her because that was protecting me.  I don’t remember any love from her for my fight to protect her. Only her finally saying, “I wish you wouldn’t be such a baby.”

          This is where I tell that little girl in me that she is safe now, she is loved, and she is very brave, and I will never let them hurt her anymore.  Even if the events of our life fill us with self-doubt we can depend on ourself and trust that gut feeling even if the memories aren't complete and know that God will never leave us not forsake us. I wasn't raised in a christian home but those seeds of truth was planted  when I was sent to vacation Bible school  and random church visits and I clung to the song "Jesus Loves Me" and "He has the whole world in His Hands" as a child when I just couldn't handle the reality that I wasn't cherish like every little girl wants to be.

Who is Pulling My Buggy?!?

                              

 

         Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong century because I love the idea of getting around by horse and buggy.  I enjoy such movies as Pride and Prejudice, Gone with the Wind, Little Women, The Anne of Green Gables series, and Little House on the Prairie.  With this in mind try to picture with me a horse and buggy.  The buggy is my life and the horse pulling it is of my choosing.   It is good when I am pulling my own buggy because I am likely to be doing what I want and getting where I need to be.  Sometimes I can pull the buggy but I don't always know the way to go and even if I do I get tired doing it on my own. It is best when the lead horse is Jesus and I keep my eyes on Him and can trust He is leading me in the right direction. In truth my buggy is often being pulled by a horse that is other people.  How often I allow others to pull my buggy where they think I should be going or more correctly where I think they think I should be going.  

An example of this is when I hitch my buggy to my mother in a given situation. If I look I will see she is  hitched  backwards and does not even see where I need to go and where she thinks I should be is nowhere near where we are and I end up in the wrong place every time because it is what she wants or thinks is right. It is no wonder that when fear and doubt are pulling my buggy I am squeezing my eyes closed in denial in hope that the approaching cliff will disappear.  If I stop long enough to ask myself "What do I want?" I will see what I need and where I need to go and can take my buggy to that place better than going wherever or being whatever I think others want me to be, or doing what I think others want me to do. When I am looking to others to lead my life and make me happy I will never get where I really want to go or need to be for me. Having others along for the ride in my buggy is wonderful and can be enjoyable but the moment I try to put them in the yoke with me it is likely to be only conflict and misery for me.  It is best when Jesus is the lead horse of my buggy with me following in His footsteps, but it is a matter of trust and faith that sometimes I only have enough of for the gentle hand of God to walk along holding the bridle.

      When I get that unsettling feeling I am doing something for the wrong reason or for the wrong person I have to stop (sometimes literally stop pacing) and ask "Who is pulling my buggy?" The pull of the buggy is the "why" motive for what I am doing.   It is the one I am trusting at the moment. Sometimes I am trusting myself and reasoning and/or my fleeting emotions, other times I can be putting my trust in the wrong person and by trusting their opinion more than my own, or God's.  We really only have one life to live and wouldn't it be great to live it to the fullest with joy and adventure.  The great thing about pulling my own buggy is that if I end up making a wrong turn I can turn around and try again and it can mark it up to a learning experience and not blame others since we can’t control others anyway.  The road is going to have pot holes full of trials and the wheels are going to get broken but that doesn't make it impossible to keep going.... it’s sometimes painful and very difficult but worth it to set us free to be ourselves.  No one but you should be pulling your buggy or in other words that are more modern, “You are the only one that can live your life” to the fullest satisfaction.

   



     

  

Now I Remember

Now that I remember
I don't know what to do
I just want to deny your wrath
and forget it's true

How could you been so cruel
lashing out at me when it suited you
I just want to hide
and forget about you

I am no longer your protector
and secret keeper--sharing in shame
What you did is on you
and I am not to blame

You forgot me
You let me
and it always about you
no matter what I do

Someday I will let go
and forgive you
That day is for ME
to live true.

Picking Up the Pieces of Me

             I have always enjoyed doing jigsaw puzzles, and I was happy when I saw that interest in my son.  Even though he struggles with his fine motor skills, he still seems to like doing them, and it is something he wanted to do with me that day.  

It is a hazy memory now, but the meaning of the moment I still treasure. 

            One day I was so pressed down with the depression all I wanted to do was sleep and I had gone back to bed after I had put my daughter down for her nap.  My four year-old (at the time) son wanted to play with me so badly he brought a puzzle to me and said, "Tiger puzzle, please, with such a sweet face that drew me through the fatigue and sorrow to do the puzzle with him.  I didn't want to do anything at all, but as I did that puzzle (too many times to count) I started to see that I was like that puzzle.  I could be put back together again.  Each piece of me whether a memory of abuse in childhood, thoughts weighted down with low-self esteem, my fears and all my emotions are apart of me along with my compassion, sense of humor, and naive makes me unique and wonderfully made.  I don't need to start from scratch because God has placed within me what He wants and knows how to pick up the pieces of me and help put  me back together just like that tiger puzzle.  That day my son gave me something...the tenacity to get better and dare to look at myself from a different perspective.  For me it was his way to do something with me to stir the interest in living again.  I was in an emotional place that I really didn't want to live but I didn't want to give up either.

Today I can get out of bed and take care of my family and enjoy my life and being a mom.  Even if I have to try harder some days than other days, knowing that I have survived some of my darker days and come out stronger for it I know that I can press on and rest in the love of Jesus.